for many years
i was unable even to try
to write a cv
as this task made me so sad

i don’t think such feelings are uncommon

read on . . .

poem published at Disability Arts Online

observations i & ii has been published on the blog at Disability Arts Online (DAO) – my thanks to DAO and its editor Colin Hambrook. you can see it here – DAO blog, observations i & ii followers of my posts may notice this is made of my observations i and iia poems, the second…

observations ii(a)

one day i folded myself into a form – trimmed my edges, or everything they didn’t want – flavoured myself to an unreal specification

then posted this and found they wanted more

which is how i was trapped year after year – commuting myself into a box – trimmed and partial of all they might abhor – unboundaried thinking and being, the poet, oh and the trans bit as well, vital fuel for this engine

of course medicine made all this worse

i knew i was doing it too, had too, and the balance tipped, harder and harder to remedy it

in part it was clear as i was – and so got totally lost, not least as it hid how so many others were doing the same, a bit, some remedying it better, finding others

all my best bits, a whole problematic, thrived elsewhere, i knew, why i fed them, though lean and hungry at home – i even bored everyone, speaking of a person they just could not see, and they might have thought it my bad faith

here’s funny – they noticed and laughed, petted my head, some poked me to see what would happen and could not understand how my mad partiality protected a heart breathing true, almost alone, with its books and a pen, unwanted, folded and crying it knew

A. H / K. H-H (15th January 2020)

poems i may never write, i. Retiarius

In the Augustan period I understand this type of gladiator emerged – with a trident and a net.

i wonder how we may understand that, perhaps as a function of authoritarian regimes at the fall of the republic

. . .

observations v

what are the things the market censors?
in art, in science
the connections we’re never allowed to make
protected by a false mask, infinite subjectivity
what are the things, now they don’t even have to be so extreme
as owners own and direct all others into the mazes they allow us

K. H-H / A. H (26th July 2019)

observations iv

if someone has offended the polis
are there ways they can be marginalised
misdirected and prevented
especially from doing good
might others seek to entrap them
. . .

observations iii

it is interesting how much effort is invested in proving ourselves right
not least about others
and how this is encouraged

– with such judgements
we play a great game, apparently righteous
keeping everything the same
gains based on tragedies
diverted from living
the greatest questions
setting traps for anything different

A. H / K. H-H (26th July 2019)

observations ii

it is clear how well a person can do
with the establishment behind them

how clear is it how a person may be foiled
by those biased against them

it is well known how action may be disguised
how an Enigma may be broken

how acts in light of the decoding
may be rendered random, coincidental
apparently deniable

K. H-H / A. H (26th July 2019)


for many years
i was unable even to try
to write a cv
as this task made me so sad

i don’t think such feelings are uncommon

A. H / K. H-H (7th July 2019)

Tree Tops

tonight i watched some tree tops stir in the breeze
watched them closely, began to see, again
their vulnerability, reaching out
their grab at air, protected from below
by the present branches of survival
but there up top small, exposed, reaching
as their closest relatives just below
empathise as the wind blows, encourage
go, go, go

A. H / K H-H (14th June 2019)