observations

i

for many years
i was unable even to try
to write a cv
as this task made me so sad

i don’t think such feelings are uncommon

ii

one day i folded myself into a form – trimmed my edges, or everything they didn’t want – flavoured myself to an unreal specification

then posted this and found they wanted more

which is how i was trapped year after year – commuting myself into a box – trimmed and partial of all they might abhor – unboundaried thinking and being, the poet, oh and the trans bit as well, vital fuel for this engine

of course medicine made all this worse

i knew i was doing it too, had to, and the balance tipped, harder and harder to remedy it

in part it was clear as i was – and so got totally lost, not least as it hid how so many others were doing the same, a bit, some remedying it better, finding others

all my best bits, a whole problematic, thrived elsewhere, i knew, why i fed them, though lean and hungry at home – i even bored everyone, speaking of a person they just could not see, and they might have thought it my bad faith

here’s funny – they noticed and laughed, petted my head, some poked me to see what would happen and could not understand how my mad partiality protected a heart breathing true, almost alone, with its books and a pen, unwanted, folded and crying it knew

A. H / K. H-H (7th July 2019 & 15th January 2020)



I decided, of course, that ‘Observations ii(a’) was the real ‘observations ii’ despite it arriving on the page about 6 months later. I put it together with the first and this graphic and Disability Arts Online (DAO) published them. And then I’ve had bit of ill health and felt exposed – my dodgy drawing – and I had sense that it could be interpreted as the tears of the sun, which I have heard of but do not know all the mythology of in other cultures and I never wish to offend. So i asked them to take it down. Since I’ve got over (again) my sensitivity and they may yet put it back, but I thought I could put them together here. observations is at the moment my most liked poem, but its not that, it’s just to see them together with the graphic as DAO did and before I was sabotaging myself. I have no idea what makes some poems ‘likeable now and what does not – it was true/honest, but that’s true of lots of mine, of course its a subject close to most writers hearts especially in these times of change and the bis in so much work these days not to value process and arts ot to mention how it is valued in pay etc.. I just hope you like it.

toni

edit — and now the DAO post is also restored observations i & ii

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