i fished for a word
to set my world in order
stopped still, heard water
(c) A. H / K. H (-H) (April 2018)
originally blogged 16 May last year, i see i wrote it in April – as i started to post i was increasingly thinking ‘what the hell’ about publishing and all and just trying to get poems out there to see if people get them. i don’t put them all on here, not quite, but then i do quite like this as my personal publishing page as mostly people don’t seem to want to publish me except for Survivors’ Poetry and Disability Arts Online, but i don’t send many out really, it feels like a game i don’t like or fear morphing myself to, better to spend time reading and writing as time is often in short supply
this poem really helped – my health was questioned by yet another health professional with no reason other than, at best, their misunderstanding — their words often assert a sterile order for me, a discipline that is theirs and nothing to do with me at all really, often they’ve simply silenced me, even to myself, zonked out and doubting even what is real (and which they have never accepted nor want to) — this is specific to me for specific reasons, i’ve good reason to have faith in much treatment and aspects of my own. i closed a response to a ridiculous letter by one of them with this poem, they’d questioned my health, based on misunderstanding and insinuating doubt of it yet not suggesting anything solid, i think this, together with all the other evidence of my thriving at the time, apart from in one situation, suggested they had missed something (huge) in how i am, though it wasn’t written for my letter — there is a strand in conversations with their pseudoscience in which i have often felt misunderstood and punished for standing up for an arts type view of the world, or maybe just anything they disagree with and do nt have the flexibility to fit within their paradigms and maybe just dislike — and i am far from out of their woods, doubt that will ever be possible
sketch done just this morning – i always imagined this fishing at an ice hole at night — not that i’ve ever done that (unfortunately), this isn’t quite it. i’m using an old graphics tablet, i only ever used it really for my staff of asklepios graphic, its sat and mouldered since, i’d like to draw but you can probably see i haven’t much, apart from those few earlier sketches here, i’m not good, but i enjoy it. it may be simpler to try and draw some by hand and scan them or photograph them.
(16th April 2019)